I could just hear the clock ticking and my dad snoring in the next room, the lights were dim and I had my eyes set on my framed photograph in my room, it was 2 am in the night. Checked my phone, there wasn’t a message and my favorite people too weren’t online on whatsapp. I wanted to feel something or I wanted action or I wanted motivation or what was it, I still can’t figure out. I got up and helped myself to some awful and tasteless coffee… yuck, gawd these coffee beans, blame it on them.
Under the black sky with some so called coffee it was just me, I love it. Cars were stationery; trees were standing sleeping, a random car sensibly without honking passed by and some dogs wandered by for no reason. I sipped and asked myself wtf am I doing at 2am ; what should I be doing; what is it that isn’t letting me sleep; If not sleep what should I be doing? I had no answer. I looked up again I winked and smiled I wanted to shine in the sky, sounds lame. I asked myself, have done it before too and certainly will be countered by the same question again that why am I in this world?
What is my purpose of existence? I wanted to be different from the lot yet popular; I want to earn money but that too fast and effortlessly. I mean was it just a mood swing…Pata Nahi… I looked at my phone again it was 2:35.I should get up by 7am for work, why work I mean the same routine every day, what new am I doing, what apart from money am I gaining new, I want to do something new each day I’m meant to be popular, I am..I… I can do something that gives me happiness, Can I?
Ssshh…I m still doubting, nahi but I can, you know I am capable of doing something extra-ordinary but still what….!! Donno but kuch toh I believe, forget it. I swiped my phone played this track Main Jagah Rahu and was lost. Obvious tears rolled out, I sipped my coffee that tasted awfullest (I knw that’s no word really) but saw towards the black sky, smiled and winked. Show me some respite god; I am racing with my age. I have things to achieve, I’ve postponed my dreams but I mean do something…. Some more tears, the coffee was over and the song almost too. I took some deep breathes, stood up, waited and walked back in.
In my bed I shuffled, rolled thinking off my next big step towards life and with some fringes on the forehead I don’t even remember when I slept. The morning was usual packed with rush with no signs of recalling thoughts that I had hours back.
There are nights I spend dancing and freaking out expressing that I’m the happiest man on earth, assuming I am on track to achieve my world, I have a lovely family and a beautiful girl to stand by me. Everything is so good; in fact everyone is so good. But that’s another night. I still can’t realize is this the correct way of living, I mean am I even living? I could just frame out it’s the mood swing that raises so many questions for me and suddenly life appears all the more difficult. I love red and green and blue and yellow but the fact that sometimes black is the only color I stick with leaves me with no answers. How foolish I can be, I inquire for answers to the black sky.
I live a life called expectation. From my dreams to practical prejudice there is a lot I live for but the sad part is I still haven’t figured out what is the reason of my existence. Amusing to pinch that I live a life called ‘Expectation’. And Allah knows what do I expect of me.